This is where we are going to teach you new lessons each month about why we do the things we do and how we can use this to have the relationship we want.

How To Keep The Music Playing When Your Partner Wants To Hit The Stop Button


More and more couples are either getting a divorce or having their marriages annulled these days. What seems to be the problem? Is it the most common of them all? Was it the nagging hyena or would it be the Casanova-styles of the husband?


There are just about a thousand different reasons why couples seem to grow apart. Your situation may just be among the list. You could start practicing some new tactics to see married bliss in a different light, meaning and language. Giving up on your marriage is not the thing to do. There are ways to sing a different tune -- so to speak when you seem to be singing that same old endless love over and over.


Why not learn a new hobby, get a new make-over or just about anything new that could first take your mind off the idea that you are considering the idea of giving up on your marriage. While you are at it, you could even ask your partner to join you so it would be a shared journey towards a stronger loving relationship.


You have to constantly re-affirm your partner that she’s the most beautiful thing that ever happened to your life. Surprise her with small gifts since giving her bigger ones can bring up an argument that you may really be cheating on her since you’re wooing her. Giving up on your marriage should be the last decision in your mind. There is still time to patch it up.




 

 

A Bad Case of Relationships: Why do People Argue?

There seems to be a long list of causes for failed relationships. With this in mind, why there are couples who still dive into untested waters with their heads first and then blindly say their "I Dos?"

Though if one interviews the other halves of the countless failed relationships in the country, what cause would always come up? Is it the issue on Fidelity? How about Security? Whatever angle you may look at, it all boils down to a common thing and that is the severity of communication. When a couple chooses to stop speaking with another, failed relationships are about to start.

Love is indeed a two way street so if the other side of the road is impassable, bumper to bumper traffic builds up and when there is traffic, chances are over heating is in the midst. Although you cannot just associate wrecked relationships with road rage, the source is almost similar. One part does not give way so the other part gets congested. After prolonged congestion, eruption in many forms follows next.

People argue about small things and this doesn't exempt married couples. The best thing to avoid failed relationships is to learn to listen first and not go head-on with the other person.

Always remember the reason the two of got married in the first place. Would you be able to live your life without the one you fell in love with and promised even the heavens and stars just to be granted the sweetest yes?


 

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the

end of the day that says, "I'll try again tomorrow'."

- Mary Anne Radmacher.



Values. What are they and how do they affect our life and decisions?

Well let's look at an example to explain it more clearly and how understanding this one thing can make a huge impact on your life and how you view your place in relationships.

Are you guys singing from the same hymn sheet or headed in completely different directions in life?

Let's start with a story?

Steve and Jennifer fancy each other like mad. They work together and Jennifer thinks Steve is sex on legs. He's just GORGEOUS. The sexual tension between them is the talk of the office. Jennifer starts wearing her best clothes to work, she's wears her favourite perfume and starts getting up 30 minutes earlier than normal so that she can make sure she looks perfect in case she runs into Steve. She is out to impress and determined to hook her guy :-)


Her plan works! Steve asks Jen out and they have the best night ever. They have so much in common and they talk all night. Jen feels like she's walking on air. She loves the fact that Steve is so sporty, he plays football and he's so manly! They quickly become a 'couple' and Jen has never been happier in her life. Although she hasn't been dating Steve for very long she just knows he's 'the one' and now that they've told each other that they love each other, she can't wait to start planning their future. She imagines cosy nights in with bottles of wine and a DVD, excitedly planning their future. She's a bit disappointed when Steve tells her he won't stop playing football 4 times a week to spend more time with her. Jen realised that she didn't realise just how important football was to Steve and as time goes on, she feels more a more resentful of the fact that he chooses to spend more time kicking a stupid ball about than he does with her.

Jen feels that the relationship is more important to her than it is to Steve and she feels let down and hurt. What has actually happened here is that when they became a couple, Jen's expectations of her relationship with Steve changed. She expected to be his main priority. Being a couple to Jen means spending time together and planning for a future but for Steve, his expectations haven't changed. Being a couple to Steve means not sleeping with anybody else. They both attach very different meanings to being a couple. They didn't talk about what they wanted from the relationship in the beginning, to make sure they both wanted the same things. They just 'fell' into being a couple and both assumed that they wanted the same things. This is a trap that most people fall into.


Communicating openly and honestly before committing to each other to make sure that your core values are aligned is crucial to a happy relationship and yet hardly any dating couple I know find out their partners core values to make sure they're in alignment with their own.

So what are values?

Values are the things that are most important for us to have in our life.

Similar values = Compatibility.

You can be head over heels with someone but if your values are different you will always be in conflict.

So back to Jen and Steve

Jen starts to demand that Steve spend more time with her and wants him to reduce the amount of time playing football. She tells him that she can't understand why he feels the need to kick a stupid ball around 4 times a week - what's she supposed to do when he's doing that? Stay at home and twiddle her thumbs! She's angry and Steve is angry because he can't understand where the fun Jen went - why doesn't she come and watch him play anymore? She used to love doing that. Why has everything changed all of a sudden? He feels that Jen has turned into a bit of a nag and neither of them wants to back down. He feels that Jen has become too clingy and he feels suffocated.

Steve needs his space and Jen feels insecure in the relationship and needs to spend quality time with Steve to feel loved. They have conflicting core values. They differ on how much time they need to spend together as a couple in order to feel secure and loved within the relationship. Their values are no longer aligned - when they were dating, Jen was focused on having fun and liked the fact that Steve was football mad because it made him manly and she was proud to be seen with him when she went to watch him play. Her values shifted though as the relationship progressed because she wanted to focus on their future together. Steve's values did not change and so their values are no longer aligned. They are in conflict.


The more Jen tries to explain her 'reasoning' to Steve, the more Steve feels 'nagged'. Football is important to him and Jen constantly saying it's a waste of time gets his back up.

The mistake that Jen is making is that she is projecting her own values onto Steve!

The only thing we can expect of anyone is to live in accordance with their own value system - ie: what is most important to them.

When you project your values onto someone else, you are attempting to change them and this is the kiss of death for your relationship.

Where are you conflicting in your relationship? When you go against your partners values, he will resist and vice versa! Strong relationships have aligned values!


With Steve and Jen, both parties feel that the other person is being unreasonable and it is important to note here that neither Jen or Steve are right or wrong..... the only thing we can expect of somebody else is to be true to their own values.... we cannot project our own values onto them.... Both Jen and Steve are living in accordance to their own values but the mistake that they are making is that they are both trying to project their own values onto each other. Steve is trying to get Jen to see what he sees in football (he even suggested she join the girls team - you can imagine her reaction!!) and Jen is trying to get Steve to see the importance in spending quality time as a couple.


Neither can see the others point of view and a rift has developed in the relationship.

Once a rift like this develops, resentment builds and the foundations of the relationship are shaky. Any situations that occur are dealt with on rocky foundations so it takes less and less to trigger the emotions of frustration, anger, sadness, hurt and loss that have developed due to a conflict in core values.

Back to our couple........

Jen 'switches off' whenever Steve mentions football and Steve ends up staying out more often. He can't believe how moody Jen has become and Jen can't believe she didn't see how selfish Steve was in the beginning. Jen no longer feels like having sex as she feels such resentment and hurt towards Steve and they decide to split up. Jen is left hurt by this experience and vows never to go out with anybody who likes football ever again.


Jen and Steve needed to understand and respect each other's values and find a way to ensure both of them could be happy instead of pulling against each other and projecting their own views as the 'right' way. When you can fully understand and respect what is important to your partner and he can also understand and respect what is important to you, acceptance occurs along with a good solution for both.


Better still, if Jen and Steve had been aware of just how important it is to have similar core values before they embarked on their relationship, they would have discovered whether they were compatible as a couple or not.

Most of us get dazzled by the lust of a new relationship, that we ignore any signs of incompatibility and forge ahead anyway.

When people communicate open and honestly about their values and WHY something is so important to them, acceptance can be reached.

It's important to accept what is important to your partner and vice versa!

Affairs will only ever happen when someone feels their values are being ignored and they meet someone who is more aligned to their own values..

So what are core values? (core values are what is MOST important to you)

  • Your love, honesty and respect for each other

  • How much time you spend together and how you fill that time

  • Your future plans - marriage and children

  • Your relationship with money (someone who loves to save every penny will be likely to have a conflicting relationship with someone who loves to shop and doesn't mind getting into debt)

  • Your relationships with your families

  • Your relationships with your friends

  • Where you live



We all have different hobbies and interests and that's fine and every relationship has challenges and conflicts but it's important to note that it's your core values that need to be aligned to ensure you have a sustainable and happy relationship.

So can you identify with Jen and Steve's story? When do you project your own values onto your partner? When does your partner project his values on to you? When have you not been able to see things from your partner's point of view? When have you ridiculed their interests because you feel they are less important than your own? We all do it. We MUST understand our own core values and that of our partners and find a way to meet both our values and their values to eliminate conflict from our relationships

So HOW do we do this??



Transformation Action Steps


1. Identify where you are in conflict - the list above will help you. Remember, any smaller problems will be a by-product of your different values. Don't sweat the small stuff, identify where in the list above you two are in conflict.


2. Write down your values - ie: Ask yourself what is important to me in a relationship? List as much as you can.


3. From your list, decide on what you are prepared to compromise on and make another list of what you absolutely cannot compromise on.


4. Time to talk! It's time to have an open and honest chat! Tell him what is important to you and WHY it's important and ask him what is important to him and WHY it's important, then shut up and listen. DO NOT GET JUDGEMENTAL WITH HIM.


5. Work together to find a way to re-align your values. If your CORE values really are very different - ie: you want children and he doesn't, then you need to make a choice. If you want children and there is no compromise, then this is not the right relationship for you to be in.


6. Dating ladies! Time to check out your perspective date! Ask questions like: How important is that to you? What is the most important thing for you in a relationship? These questions when answered honestly will tell you what you need to know about compatibility. Make sure you are both comfortable enough in each other's company to have this discussion. Another way to check compatibility is to be subtle and find out how he spends his time when he's not with you. Our TRUE values are demonstrated by our actions and not our words so be interested in him, ask him lots of questions about him and as long as you ask with genuine interest and not like you are grilling him, he'll be happy to answer.

 

 

 

If you feel we have helped you, please feel free to donate as little as you would like to enable us to continue helping you. We appreciate every bit of help. Thank you.